When people started asking me to write a blog, I was hesitant and dragged my heels a little. What do I have to say? Okay, I have things to say. I’m just not sure I’m ready for my insides to be outside for everyone to see. So here I am, braving the internet and risking visibility. So here’s a little about me and why I have decided to write.
I have recently been told that I am an independent and rugged woman who smells like herbs. My husband once told me that I smelled like a health food store, which is clearly a great complement. I am a cardiac nurse who likes critical situations in my work but also the quiet moments to sit and offer nothing more than my presence for my patients.
I have recently found a new boldness that was not there before a few months ago. Back in December 2015 my husband and I decided to start traveling. As a nurse I can go almost anywhere in the country on short term contract assignments, so in December we set sail with only what could be masterfully packed into our car. Our first assignment in Houston went well and we decided to go ahead and take another contract in California. So once again we packed our car and headed west. Things initially were going smoothly and we had friends to stay with every night but on the second day our car starting having some trouble. Kendall explained to me what was going on and told me it wasn’t dangerous, but that we might get stranded. I had a growing sense of anxiety throughout the evening. By 9:40pm in Arizona, I was on the phone with 911 dispatch after watching the man I love leave this earth. There was no question in my mind. I’m a nurse. There was no pulse. It was over. And because of how the accident happened, I was powerless to initiate any of those exciting nurse skills that make me feel like a superhero at work. I could only take in what had just happened, how my life had changed forever.
The grace of God was upon me, even in the darkest hour of my life. A woman and her daughter stopped at the scene and stayed by my side for the next hour and a half until the medics made legal what I already knew to be true, Kendall was gone. She held me and told me to keep breathing when I couldn’t find the air. She drove me to a family member’s house in CA because she was headed that direction anyway, and she checked in with my family in the coming hours and days. That next week was one of the most hellacious weeks of my life. My friend, Bethany, was on call 24 hours a day and didn’t get much sleep either as I would call her at all hours of the night and day to cry, or to read me a story from the Jesus StoryBook Bible. I lost words for Jesus. Prayer became something that only my soul knew how to do, not my mind or my vocabulary. I needed someone else’s vocabulary because I just had agony from inside my bones. But even there, I sensed the presence of Jesus.
All day on April 1st, Bethany was following my location through the iPhone GPS. Gotta love technology. Some people may be creeped out by that, but it’s just something we enjoy. At dinner time she texted to say, “I see you are eating at In-and-Out.” She told me she has been following my little blue dot all day to see how the trip was going. And a couple hours later, she was the first person I called to tell that Kendall was gone. She followed my little blue dot from Arizona to the San Diego airport all the way to North Carolina.
That night when I walked away from all of my earthly possessions and I left my husband of 15 months, I knew that I was not alone. There were people all over the country following my little blue dot. It reminded me of the verse in Genesis that says, “Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her ‘You are a God who sees.'” This blog is about just that, being seen by a God who is helping me to see.